Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
