i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
