My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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