My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
