Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
