saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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