dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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