my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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