I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
