So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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