my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
