Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
