Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
