My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
