He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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