My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just cropdusted the office
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
