FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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