Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
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oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants