even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
