I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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