My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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