Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
