Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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