he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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