Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
