the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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