Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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