I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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