I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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