Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
