Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
this just has baby written all over it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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