Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
