Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
