My hand turned me down
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
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Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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