did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
