i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
