I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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