I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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