Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
