So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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