you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
