3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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