i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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