What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize