guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
