This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
