I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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