Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
