I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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