I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
