fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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