It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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