Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I did not marry a roomba.
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