Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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