Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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