So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
