so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
