Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
